Master+2+-+Audrey

I could tell something was wrong from the moment she arrived. She’d always embrace me passionately before gazing at me with her big brown eyes and then gabble incessantly. This time there was no hug, no eye contact. No chattering. On that Saturday afternoon that had everything to be a quite adorable one, she just gave me the coldest kiss on the cheek and sat beside me, looking at the kids playing on the field. We were standing in our very favorite park; still the place felt unfamiliar to me in many aspects.
 * Love can take you by surprise**

What happened? – I would have asked, hadn’t I been so amazed. Her long, curly dark hair would shine just as much as possible, and she was wearing the dress I liked the most. It was blue with flowers and it looked like it came from the 50’s, which I found just adorable. It was pretty tight, showing quite well her still childish body. She was seventeen, but her body would say thirteen. Every now and then her angelic face would get me speechless, and I would need some time to reorganize my thoughts. I couldn’t imagine myself not falling for her, for she had everything I found irresistible.

She decided to say something. “We need to talk”. Ouch, I thought. It was bad. Either she was in love with someone else, or simply got sick of me. But how was that even possible? Last Saturday was so perfect! Our first night together, we hadn’t planned it. That night even the stars were helping. The moon, our song playing on the radio… It all conspired in our favor, for our happiness, and we couldn’t expect little from that experience. And that feeling arrived, the one that makes you want to scream to the whole world to hear that you’re the happiest person on Earth.

Could that be it? She seemed so secure and confident, making that choice… I would never allow that to happen, if she hadn’t looked so certain of that decision. I knew her my whole life; we’d been friends since elementary school. I think I know when she feels comfortable with something, and even when she pretends to feel. No, it can’t be it. I’d have noticed it, if she felt any kind of guilt, wouldn’t I?

I knew everything about her. Many would say we were too young to be in love, but who knows anything about love anyway? Who knows enough to tell a young couple to think before the fall, before the surrender? No one, we’d answer. No one and nobody did.

We had this love that made us feel like we were capable of accepting each other flaws and mistakes, no matter how big they were. I could even say I knew her better than she did herself, but I guess we never know. At that moment I had no clue why she was behaving like that, we’d been fine until that morning. Actually, we’d been great until she called me saying she would be a little late, for she was still at Amanda’s, her best friend, and she had slept over. She was with the same Amanda I’d once said was a bad influence, the one who would always tell her to forget about me. Also the one who thought my babe was her brother’s soul mate. That Amanda.

She had probably tried everything to separate us, but I just believed I had nothing to fear, for last Saturday and its meaning. Maybe her good friend had tried throwing her into someone else’s arms, maybe even into her brother’s. Maybe she hadn’t resisted. So much could have happened, and I had only few minutes to think this through before she would stare at me with confused eyes, waiting for me to give any sign that I was listening. I was trying to prepare myself even though we were fine, but there was no time. She looked down remembering something I had missed, and then looked at me again.

What had I done? What had happened? And most important, how could she do this to me? No, it was unacceptable. Living without her? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself from that moment on. I just didn’t believe in life after her.

I just kept staring at the sunset while thinking of our moments together. She had to touch my arm and ask me if I was okay, with the innocent smile I was very familiar with. The smile she’d use only with me, only for me. It only made everything worse, but I was more resigned now. I had to face things the way they were, no matter what. I still couldn’t think of a reason for her not to want to be with me anymore, neither of a way to forget her. It was just impossible, but I would have to try. And I would stop wandering to finally open my mouth and be brave: “What happened?”

She thought for a moment before opening her mouth. “I can’t deal with you no more John – she said – especially after you kissed Amanda”, and she waited for me to answer, as calm as the breeze curling around the willow tree nearby. “But Saturday was so perfect! I thought you’d forgotten all about it! I told you, she kissed me! SHE kissed ME!” She looked at me with pitiful eyes, and really made me wonder if she ever really loved me at all. “You know no one believed in that. She would never do that. Everyone is saying YOU pulled her, and she tried to get away. I really thought I could fix US, but after that I realized it’s impossible.”

I was astonished. “But what about Saturday? I thought you’d forgiven me! I thought we were fine! Did you… fake?” She smiled. Clearly she was much more comfortable with this discussion than me. “Of course not. It was great, actually. But with you I was supposed to feel something ELSE right? Feel like the happiest person in the world, for I had spent the night with my ‘soul mate’”- at the last part she looked at me with sad eyes, sad smile, sad everything. She cared, I could tell.

“So… don’t you want me anymore?” I was curious to know where she was getting at. “Not at all?” She didn’t even think before answering. “I don’t blame myself, you know. I’ve been certainly distant, with my band and our rehearsals... I can somehow understand how you FELT. We hadn’t seen each other for almost three weeks; I wasn’t giving you any attention. I know I hadn’t been a perfect girlfriend for you. Still, there is nothing you could do to make me kiss your best friend, like you did. When you kissed her, you gave up your right to say you love me. You gave up any chance we had of making this work.”

My head was spinning round, I felt a little dizzy. What did she mean? That I didn’t deserve to be forgiven? “So what are you saying? That even if I tried to make it up to you, it wouldn’t help? What about all you said, that you KNOW you’d been distant, and you know how I felt? Why is my supposed mistake unforgivable and yours isn’t?”

“I was distant and you kissed my very best friend! Aren’t you ridiculously proud of knowing me so well? You should’ve known that my friends mean a lot to me. They’re like my family, and either you kissed her to hurt me, or you just didn’t care. I can’t accept any of those options. Besides, if you were sorry you wouldn’t be lying about it. I don’t even know you anymore.”

I just stood there and listened, thinking of something that would make her change her mind, at least enough for her to listen to me and realize we belonged together. Maybe I could mention our first kiss, but if our first night together hadn’t been enough to touch her, what would be?

“I thought there was a way out of this mess, but there isn’t. I can’t erase what you did! And I’ll never forgive you for not coming to talk to me, to tell me how you felt… To tell me that you wanted a break from us, I don’t know! There were so many ways to tell me we weren’t fine, and still you said nothing. It just wasn’t right. It’s just inexcusable, and I don’t know how to deal with this situation!” Her tone got a little too loud, and she calmly breathed in and out before touching my face with her right hand. I would certainly have told her to try to deal with this, to try to forgive me, but I couldn’t. I could read in her eyes that she would say I didn’t deserve her to do so, and she would be right, wouldn’t she?

At that moment I had no idea what to say, for saying I was sorry wouldn’t help much. I guess that was something I needed time to think about, because I never knew we’d be in this place one day. I never thought I’d need arguments to convince her to stay with me, and now they were necessary, and I didn’t have any.

I was looking at my snickers when she put a sharp knife right through our still beating love. “We can always be friends.” No, of course we couldn’t. We’d never do that, and she knew it. But I guess it’s something we all say in those situations. “We can still be friends” is to relationships what “I’m sorry” is to funerals. It doesn’t help at all, it doesn’t fix anything; still it’s always good to know someone cares. I still couldn’t believe I had ruined everything, and I myself would have to deal with it.

A shiny red car slowly stopped only a few meters away. Amanda’s brother winked at me. I couldn’t believe in that guy. “Well, I gotta go. Adam told me he had some stuff to do around my neighborhood; I thought I’d better accept the ride. Sorry I’m leaving so quickly.” She looked like she was about to say something else, but she didn’t. She just stood up and walked towards the car, without looking back.